Andy's Blog

Did you see the most recent attempt of James Dobson trying to prove his political prowess? In a 27 minute segment, Dobson accused Obama of "deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own world view, his own confused theology." Jon Stewart put it a bit more comedically.

Now I am not a blind follower of Jon Stewart theology. The truth is, the Old Testament and New Testament talk about homosexuality, so the issue can't simply be written off as if Leviticus is the only place this is discussed. And I did listen to Barack's whole speech back in January and it was brilliant.

But I am not here to discuss political speeches or debate Jewish comedian exegesis. What I think needs to be addressed is what I think Dobson's legacy will be: dividing our culture to the point where sincere and loving relationships are impossible except in cases where you agree with every opinion.

This past week I met someone who I thought might be a new friend here in Atlanta. We both shared a huge interest in aviation. So I was excited since most of my friends make fun of my aviation curiosity. I could tell from his Facebook page that he was gay. But didn't think anything of it.

So we started talking online and he instantly wants to know about the radio show I produce. He asks are we right wing. I say nope. We are moderate. Next question, "so do you think all homosexuals are going to hell?" Thank you James Dobson.

I, of course, try and explain my thoughts on the issue; probably not very eloquently. But I could tell, it was a loss cause.

Nevermind that last weekend I said on the air one of the three celebrities I'd like to have coffee with is Ellen DeGeneres.

Nevermind that I have defended gay marriage from a legal perspective in other blogs.

Nevermind that I have had lunch with a porn producer.

Nevermind that I sincerely consider Erik of AllenHuntShowSucks.com a friend and genuinely care for the dude.

Thanks to the Dobsonion worldview, a Bible-believing Christian and a homosexual just can't be friends.

It brings me back a little to high school. There was a gay boy at my high school named Jason (not real name). Jason was a year younger than me, and while I am sure there were other gay individuals at Homestead, he was the only one who was "out." I primarily met Jason because he was good friends with my girlfriend Theresa.

I liked Jason. He was a good guy. I can remember one specific night when I was at the school after 10pm working on the yearbook by myself in the pub room. Jason was there for something related to show choir. I don't know what brought him to the pub room that night, but we had a great conversation. Towards the end, I remember saying, "you know Jason, we aren't very different." To which he replied, "No Andy, I don't think that is the case."

The truth is, most of us aren't very different from one another. We just choose to allow the few differences to get in the way. Thanks James.

In the middle of our weekly planning video teleconference, Phil sent me an article from FoxNews about MyFreeImplants.com (warning: I didn't see any nudity "per se" - but it is definitely racey).

Here's the scenario. Women, you sign up to a MySpace-like social networking site, with pictures of yourself and descriptions highlighting your "situation." Situation here meaning that you have small/ugly/disfigured/orange boobs. Men, or "benefactors," you also sign up for the site, but you have to buy credit to do so. Once you enter the site, you then "donate" your credits to these women until they reach the amount needed to get a boob job (which appears to be $6500.00).

Now, before I proceed, I should state that I am really not a boob guy. I will go as far as saying that smaller chested woman are more attractive to me. And I don't mean that in the altruistic, good Christian boy sense (there are plenty of "other" things I am into). But to me, the law of nature comes in too much with large boobs and time + gravity ≠ good situation down the road. So, believe me, I truly don't think this world would be a better place if women were walking around with larger boobs.

As we proceeded in this planning meeting I started to think about all the reasons I am against plastic surgery. My two biggest reasons. #1 It is a huge waste of money (especially in light of all the suffering in the world). #2 It is superficial. But then I got to thinking about it. How are boob jobs any different than braces?

Ok, now I have done it haven't I? But seriously, think about it. Braces cost on average $5000. Boob jobs seem to cost $6000. And I don't care what you say, while I am sure there are a handful of cases where braces are necessary for proper function of the mouth and health, most of us had braces for aesthetic reasons. We didn't (or better yet our parents didn't) want us to be the freaky kid with ugly teeth. So if it is just as much money, and it is just as superficial, why are boob jobs (or any plastic surgery) any less morally or socially acceptable than braces?

I have to admit, I don't have an answer. There is something inside of me that thinks there should be a separation of aesthetic altering procedures, but on a philosophical ground, I can't seem to find the logic in separating the two. I guess I won't get my kids braces...or maybe I'll just get them boob jobs as well.

When I was a junior in high school, the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" came out and was all the rage. I read it, objectively, and grabbed some good principals, but overall "rejected" the basic premise. Sometime later that year, a rebuttal, but less popular book came out called "I Gave Dating a Chance." I liked it better, but still rejected most of the premise, because frankly it was mostly the same as "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." One called dating courtship, and the other called it, well, dating. I'll get back to this later.

If you have read this blog for more than 10 minutes you know I am usually not satisfied with Christian music or books. Why? Because they aren't about life. They aren't real. They give the same cheesy, bullet pointed responses which don't communicate effectively. When done, I always feel like I just drove a Porsche but kept it in 1st gear.

From what I heard from others, Rob Bell's writing promised to be different. So needless to say I was excited to read his new book "Sex God," because we all know the official topic of this blog is sex¹. We also know that my favorite writer is Chuck Klosterman - sure I might not agree with some of his lifestyle choices, but he is brilliant when it comes to culture. I was expecting Rob Bell to be the "Christian" version of Chuck Klosterman. He's not. If Chuck Klosterman is a Porsche reaching 4th gear², Rob Bell is a Porsche in 2nd gear³

I could probably write a 5,000 word blog on this book. I am going to try not to. Here are my three main issues with the book.

One, he quotes from Song of Solomon (which is good) but fails to acknowledge that a.) Solomon had hundreds of sexual partners, and b.) the Song of Solomon text implies that the "beloved and lover" were not married yet.

Now, I am not looking for a book to justify pre-marital / extra-marital sexual activity. Why? Because I still think a case can be made for sexual "purity". But Bell fails to communicate his point because he refuses to acknowledge, in full disclosure, the entire sexual narrative of the Bible.

Two, he continues the Christian myth that women aren't interested in sex as a pleasurable act, but only use it to attain other relational perks (i.e. feeling love, feeling beautiful, etc...)

I can't speak for generations past, but from my extensive conversation on the topic and cultural insight, I just don't believe that to be true (anymore?). Women are (almost?) just as interested in a sexual relationship as men.

Three, Bell fails to recognize that God is the Creator of sex as something creative and fun.

"Sex God" continues to portray marital sexuality as boring and vanilla. It still makes the ambiguous statement that "sex is good" and leaves it at that. I have written about this before, so I am not going into detail (one | two).

I know this is a shock, but according to research (I can't believe it took research to know this) the #1 reason people have sex is because it feels good. While there are 237 other reasons, because it feels good is the number one reason we enjoy and/or tempted to have sex. Sex God fails to acknowledge this with any sort of depth or genuineness.

Here is at least what I liked about the book. On page 105 Bell states:

If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels.

Bell acknowledges that God never intends for life to be easy. He never intended for life to be pain-free. Which brings me back to I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

My ultimate problem with "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" is that it was a lesson in "avoidance theology." God can't possibly want us to have pain, therefore, we should avoid that which potentially causes pain (in this case: dating). That is a crappy way to live life and I at least respect Bell for standing up against that.

Their is one other reason this brings me back to "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and "I Gave Dating a Chance". I was hoping when I read this book, it was going to be so good, that I could take writing a sex book off the list of books I am going to write.⁴ That turned out to be false. Now I still feel the Christian arsenal is missing a good book on sexual practical theology, so it looks like I should start working on a rebuttal⁵.

I recently added the song I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) by Meatloaf to my iPod. I know it is a bit of a classic, and it takes me back to Middle School, but in a more recent context it got me thinking about sex. Welcome to part two of my blog's discussion on Good Sex

"Will you engage in oral sex once you are married?" This is a question I have posed to countless single, 20-something, Christians and Non-Christians that I have a trusted relationship with from Indiana to Los Angeles to Jerusalem to Atlanta. The responses have been quite surprising. Heard everything from "absolutely not," to "yeah, who wouldn't," and everything in between. But I think it gets to the heart of the real question, which is: what is sexually appropriate within a marriage?

Now for this discussion I am not talking about pre-marital activity (we can debate that some other time) nor am I talking about homosexual behavior. This is about what is appropriate within a heterosexual marriage.

For example, I had a professor in college that said his fiancée came to him before they were getting married and wanted him to list all of his sexual fantasies. After getting married, she did all these fantasies, because she wanted him to think of her when he thought of these fantasies and nobody else. I had another couple I know well that is dating come to an agreement that when they get married, one of the first things they will do is go to the local sex store and each pick "something" out. I know another married couple who isn't using birth control, and on days of the month where she is most likely ovulating, they do, as he put it, "other stuff."

On the other hand, I know of marriages that have fallen apart because one partner was uncomfortable with what was asked sexually (which for privacy I won't get into those details).

The church does an awful job of talking about this topic. It makes comments like "sex is good," but the term is so ambiguous that it still leaves so much confusion for the married and single alike. Even on our show, we have had people call in with questions about oral sex and anal sex during open mic, and even though we don't mind talking about swinging or pornography, etc...we don't ever seem to take those calls.

Well that all ends here. We are going to do something interesting on the blog that I have never done before. I am not going to give you what I think until I hear from everyone else out there. I usually get about 200-300 visitors, yet never get that many responses. So I know you are out there. I want to hear from everybody. Feel free to lie about your name and e-mail address. "Who" you are is not important. But what you have to say about this topic is. And be honest! Married, single, engaged. Christian, Non-Christian, Atheist. It doesn't matter. Pass this along to your friends. I want to hear from anybody and everybody. What is your perception of a healthy sexual relationship and how do you draw the line on what you feel comfortable with and what you don't?

To get you thinking, consider the following items (but I want you to be more philosophical in response then just responding to a laundry list)

• Oral sex
• Anal sex
• Sexual fantasy or role playing
• Using pornography
• Swinging or "Threesomes"
• Using sex toys
• Adventurous and/or Sex in Public Settings

Seriously. How do you establish what is and is not ok within the boundaries of a healthy sexual marriage? I will explain what I think in a comment later on this week but for those of you who want a really boring, long read, you are welcome to check out my senior thesis on the topic.

I am an avid Bones fan. If you are unfamiliar with Bones you are missing out. But a quick summary so you can understand this blog. Dr. Temperance Brennan (Bones - or "the girl") is a brilliant, but lonely, anthropologist. Her partner is FBI agent Seely Booth ("Booth" or "the guy"). They solve murders. Before you read further, watch this clip.

This 2:30 does a better job talking about sexuality than any sermon/lesson/book I have ever experienced. Who knew the Fox cooperation could do more on the topic of sex than find news anchorwoman with really big boobs? But seriously, I love this clip. And if sermons approached sexuality from Booth's angle, I think we would be more effective at teaching a healthy, God-oriented view of sexuality.

While I will take issue with Booth's comments about fetishes (which I am actually planning on discussing in my next blog post), I think he is spot on. Sex is a miracle. What I love about the TV show Bones is that the continual dilemma of the show is basically summarized in the rational (Bones) vs. the irrational (Booth).

I typically find myself to be a insanely rational person, which can make me a "cold" individual at times. But I have a faith that essentially asks me to be irrational, because faith by definition is trusting in what we cannot see. Now in our hyper-educated society, irrationalization is usually seen as a point of weakness. Reason is the god of the 21st century. And part of me identifies with this. But it is that same reason that eventually leads me back to faith, thus it is reason that brings me back to irrationalization. And sex is at the heart of it.

Creation I believe is the best evidence for God, and I think He wanted it that way. The complexities of our universe, and even our own bodies just could not have happened completely random. That is all fine and good, but that doesn't mean God is personal or loving or even good. But I think love and sex are the evidence of that. And I think subconsciously we know this to be true. It is why it is the one thing we all seem to long for and desire, but don't really know why (seriously, why do you desire to be loved?). And subconsciously, I think it is also why the church tries to defend it so vehemently (although usually it fails in its methods).

For example, did you know that the clitoris (as Family Guy puts it: "Nature's Rubik's Cube") has no other function whatsoever that to provide women with sexual pleasure? It is the only organ in either male or female that's sole purpose is sexual pleasure. What does that say about our Creator (other than that he is nicer to women than men)? Have you ever stopped and thought about why sex is pleasurable? Seriously. What evolutionary purpose is served by sex being pleasurable; by it being bonding; by it being, dare I say irrational.

I once read an author that said the sexual orgasm is the closest thing we come to experiencing the euphoria of God's entire goodness; or maybe better put it is the closest thing to heaven. In addition to that, the phrase, "with our bodies we worship Thee" used to be included in wedding vows. Why? Because sexuality, good sexuality, is designed to be such a transcendent experience that it can no better be described as worship. The miracle of two, trying to become one, even though physically and scientifically impossible, becomes possible through the act of sexuality. And that my friends is a God I can worship. That is a God I can trust to be irrational.

With that said, I look forward to a very interesting discussion in my next post about what good sex in marriage is like.

Please note this article was originally written for my Newsvine Column so verbiage is slightly different.

We interviewed David Levy, the author of Love and Sex with Robots yesterday in London in preparation for a show we are doing this weekend roughly titled "Why We Get Married?" His prediction is that by 2050, Massachusetts will be the first state to legalize human-robot marriages.

This got me thinking about evolution (which I am sure has got Mykola floored). Now, I am not a total believer in evolution. This is not to say I don't think it could be true - I have no quarrels with the theory. I just don't think scientifically there is the evidence for Macro-evolution. But that is not really my point. My point is that if evolution is true, I think robots are going to be the end of human existence.

We usually think of the end of human existence with robots something a-la-Terminator or Matrix. There is a giant war between the robots and their creator, yet inferior humans. But robots are far too smart for that. They are going to take over the world more subtly.

In the interview, we started to talk about if a human-robot marriage will be able to have kids. Sure enough, David responded by saying that the robot will be designed to produce genetically similar mini-robots that will combine traits from the "natural human" and the robot. Thus making kids.

So here goes. In theory, all things being equal and morality set aside, I think humans will naturally want to have relationships with robots more than humans assuming you can't tell the difference between the way a robot looks/acts/talks/etc...when compared to a human. Why? Because life could be all about the human. Everybody could marry a supermodel or "Dr. McDreamy." The robot could cook and clean, etc...sex would be what you want, when you want, how you want, etc...You could have the number of kids you want, not what your spouse wants. You would have no in-laws. It is essentially one less person to "feed / house / pay for." Conversation would always be about what you want to talk about, and it can be as deep, intimate, or shallow as you would want. You could essentially create a life that is all about you.

Now, throw in that the robot can manufacture robot kids and then you have the start of an evolutionary process that essentially wipes out the human race. Sure there will be some that will hold on (I'd like to think I would be one of them), but sooner or later the robots will become the far superior race and with survival of the fittest kicking in, they will easily be the next step in the evolutionary chain.

Side notes:

1. I should state for the record that a.) I don't think human-robot relationships are a morally acceptable and valid form of intimate relationship, and b.) I don't believe that robots really will be the end of human existence. But it is interesting nevertheless.
2. P.S. You should really listen to the interview if you have 6 minutes. I think it is really interesting and, yes, I am the "Andy" they make fun of in the middle of the segment for not being able to find a girl.
   http://www.allenhuntshow.com/Home/play.php?FileURL=...

This past weekend I went and saw the movie Knocked Up. I love the term knocked up. Ask CJ & Andrea, or my friends Abbey & Jon from college. When they were pregnant with their first child, I would always refer to them as being knocked up (they were married, don't worry) and it was hilarious. But this movie, and my stage in life, have got me thinking about abortion.

Now before I proceed, I should say that I think abortion is wrong in pretty much all cases. If it were just a personal choice issue, I would be totally for it - as I do think a woman has the right to do what she will with her body. However, it isn't just a personal choice in my mind, it is a life. There is a great scene in the movie where the "Knocked Up One" is talking to her mom and her mom is telling her to just "take care of the situation," and we all know what that means. But she decides what is inside her isn't a situation, it is a life. And at the end of the movie there is a great shot during the credits where the mom is holding the result of that "situation" (aka the baby). And ultimately, for that reason only, I support pro-life laws.

But this post isn't really about that. This post is a little more sympathetic than that. I have been thinking a lot about what I would do if I knocked someone up "accidentally." How would I react? And for the first time ever, I think a male might possibly be the closest to understanding the fear of pregnancy like a woman does. Why? Because I am a minister; now hold on.

If I got someone pregnant, it wouldn't just be a "social faux paux," but it would mean I would most likely lose my job. It means that I would have a seriously hard time finding a new job in my field, and most likely have to completely redefine who I am. Not only that, but the ministry that I work with would have a tarnished image (maybe even significantly public since we are apart of the "media" now), and there would be significant disappointment from all areas of my life. All my "great" plans I have for myself would pretty much instantly go out the window. No book deals. No career in politics. No developing a nationally syndicated talk radio show. Even if I did the "right thing" in the situation, there would be some serious consequences.

Now I am not going to argue on whether or not all the above are fair - what I am going to say is that all the above isn't that far off from what all women have to deal with in an unwanted pregnancy. And it is that fear, and unequal serious consequences, that makes abortion a little more of a "gray" issue (not more "gray" in the sense of the morality, but "gray" in the reaction).

I would hope if I got someone pregnant, I would be man enough to do the right thing - whatever that meant. But I am not 100% sure I wouldn't at least think of suggesting the alternative. It doesn't make it right, in fact, it would be wrong. But I at least get it now. I get it a lot more than I got it when I was in college that's for sure.

Whether it is a porn producer in Atlanta that I have lunch with, or a gay friend, or some women I know that have had abortions, I always, always, always try to get across that they are loved and cherished not only by God, but by me as well. Just as God was still there for David when he knocked up Bathsheba, I would want someone to be there for me - and until that day comes (lets pray not), I want to be there for others. That's a Christ-like response to an unwanted pregnancy that we should all strive for.

"What are you going to talk about, 'umm...what's your favorite position?'" That was the question posed by my associate Mickey when I told him I was going to have lunch on Thursday with a porn producer here in Atlanta.

Needless to say it was quite an interesting lunch, and it is one of the things I love most about my job: I can actually find people outside of the church. Now Matt (not the name of the guy, but if you listen to the show often you should know who I am talking about) is a good guy, despite his obvious - in my opinion - immoral job choice. And before you wonder, yes, he knows that I think his job choice is immoral.

But I have long abandoned the days where one's life choice makes you any worse of a person than anybody else. Now, one could say that, "Andy, so are you saying that we all are 'good' people and therefore in God's good favor regardless of our life decisions." Not at all. Ultimately, in the end, I still have to believe that the only saving grace for any of us is a relationship with Jesus Christ - and therefore the lack of relationship with Jesus Christ is ultimately humanity's downfall.

BUT, with all that said, that doesn't mean we can't get along, it doesn't mean we can't learn from each other, and it certainly doesn't mean that as Christians, we shouldn't engage in thorough, purpose-filled conversation with people we don't necessarily see things eye to eye.

In a short, hour conversation at an Applebee's in Tucker, GA, I learned a lot, and I enjoyed a new friendship. I don't think this is where Matt and I's relationship will end, and I am pretty sure we both can learn a lot from each other.

This I feel is one of the hardest things to convince both Christians and non-Christians alike. Get out of your comfort zone. If you are a conservative individual, how often do you converse with someone who is liberal - and vice versa. If you are a "traditionally moral individual," how often do you talk with someone in the sex industry, or a homosexual. If you are a Christian, how often do you converse with a Muslim, or an atheist.

The shocking point about Jesus is that he spent more time with prostitutes, than religious folks. We forget that a lot in the church. It all becomes about our click, our group, our fellowship. So to answer the question, my favorite position is one where I am always learning from others - especially those who don't think like me - that is a great position to be in (although I don't know for sure, but I think the butterfly position looks pretty fun as well ;-) ).

P.S. I promise I won't do anything on porn for a while given the past week of porn entries.

Drum roll please...duh duh duh...we have finally come to the end of the series on pornography. But I have forgotten two very important elements: what does God have to say about all this and what can I do to help myself with this struggle.

I feel like I have tried to answer the question, why is pornography wrong, from a secular perspective up until this point. But ultimately, I have to get to the reason why it is wrong: because I believe using pornography involves lust and I think God has made it clear even lustful thoughts are wrong.

Now, here's the difficulty, how do you define lust? Either the people listening to Jesus thought it was so obvious what lust was, or they were too afraid to ask, because in the Bible it appears that they bought what he had to say about it. But most of us, in the 21st century, start wondering how do you really define lust. So I am going to try.

Jesus said in Matthew 5:27-29

You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

The key here in my mind is that lust is defined as thinking or acting sexually with another woman that is not your wife (and inverse for all the ladies). Now what Jesus did not say was that sexual thoughts were wrong - and that's important. But it my mind it is the act of taking those sexual thoughts and applying them to a person that is not a spouse.

It might seem subtle, but I think the distinction is important. After reading Steve Gerali's The Struggle I have really struggled (ha!) with his basic premise that masturbation might not be wrong. Now I am good friends with Steve and we have had many conversations about this together. He supports himself in saying that masturbation does not have to include lust, because it does not have to include lustful thoughts about someone.

Now I don't have time to blog about masturbation (maybe for another day), but I think the thought is an interesting one. If I can think about sex, but not about anyone in particular, is it still lust. I have to say, after years of thought: no.

Now back to porn. Porn always involves someone. Now, you might say, yeah but they are just random people on the internet. Here's the point: they still are people. They are still someone's sister, or daughter, or friend. They still have a soul, a life, a destiny. And for whatever reason the model has decided to pose (or act), there is a spiritual connection between the person in pornography and the person using pornography.

One quick story that I think will help illustrate this point before I move on to my tips (and I am sorry if this is too graphic for you). When I was 13 or so and exploring my sexuality, I didn't have a lot of porn to use and one thing that I remember being very "attracted" to was Amanda Beard in the Summer Olympics - ahh those tight bathing suits. So needless to say, I explored my "sexuality" while fantasizing about her. Figuring, like most do with porn, that this person isn't a "real" person in my life and she's just on the tv. Now, fast forward about 8 years and sure enough, I am in a position to meet (and spend some short amount of time) with Amanda. Now, I of course did not divulge what I shared in this blog with her, we talked about her new Olympic victories in Sydney. But it did drive home the point that day, and I remember thinking this, that wow, Amanda is a real person. And so too are the porn models - and that is an important thing to remember.

Alright, now for the tips on how to deal with a porn struggle:

1. Be open and honest with people about this struggle. Sure you don't have to post it on your website ;-) - but don't let this struggle consume you in private. Find some friends to talk about it with. Trust me, there are a lot of us out there dealing with this, and if you run into someone who doesn't want to help, or "thinks its gross", etc...say that's cool and find someone else. I have had great, open, honest, and raw accountability in my life from the time I was 17 and let me tell you it is necessary.
2. As Jesus said, if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off, and if your eye causes you to sin gouge it out. Now I am not saying you should take this literally (or else a lot of us would be blind and with out hands). But what I do think is important is take any measure you need to, to help overcome this.
3. This brings me to my next point. Don't have internet at home. WHAT?!?! I know, this is coming from a guy who is a web programmer and makes a living off of what he does on the web. But I am telling you, if this is a problem (and especially if you are single) just don't have internet at home. I didn't have internet in my home here in GA for the first 12 months. It is doable
4. I have never used it, but many have told me how much a program like Covenant Eyes www.covenanteyes.com has helped. Now it kind of goes a lot with point number 1, because you have to be willing to be accountable, but if you are willing to be accountable, it might be of great help.
5. Check out other resources at http://www.xxxchurch.com

Well, the series is finally over. And as I type this, I am now late for lunch with a porn producer, Atlanta's largest - Mike South (how's that for a way to end the series). I'll blog about that experience sometime later. Sorry it took me so long, but hopefully you find it helpful.

WOW! I KNOW! It took me a long time to wrap this one up. And I stopped in a particularly awkward place for three months. But it is a good thing I stopped when I did, because I would have just wrapped this sucker up and moved on and it would have sucked.

I work crazy hours normally, and November & December are the worst. So right after our Christmas Eve service (we are talking 12:10 am on Christmas morning), I left for Indiana. For the next two weeks I did very little besides hang out with friends, play with Jadyn, and relax. It was great. I also picked up the new book of one of my favorite writers, Chuck Klosterman, entitled Chuck Klosterman IV. As always, it was incredibly insightful, particularly to the conversation we are having about pornography. I call this, this Steven Tyler’s Surrender:

In 2002, I interviewed Aerosmith's Steven Tyler about drugs and groupies, and he said something along the lines of, "Having sex with the same woman a thousand times is way more interesting than having a thousand one-night stands with a thousand different women, because those one-night stands are all the same."...Every aging rock god (except maybe Gene Simmons) eventually comes to this same conclusion; in fact, anyone (famous or not) who decides to get married is unknowingly agreeing with Steven Tyler. At some point, most people decide that sleeping with the same person improves the quality of their life, even though it eliminates romantic choice. We all unconsciously understand this. However, nobody consciously believes this is true until after the fact. If you ask any single man if he'd prefer to (a) have sex with a thousand different women or (b) have sex with one woman a thousand times, he will always stake option "a", even though he knows this decision is virtually guaranteed to make him feel awkward and alone.

Chuck Klosterman IV (page 210-211)

I could pretty much just let you read that, and it would say enough. But I am too stupid to stop there. This communicates what I was talking about in the previous post way better than what I said. And here's why: Steven Tyler's reputation. If anyone should know the "glory" of sleeping with thousands of different women, it would be Steven Tyler. But here, you have an aged rocker, admitting something so universally true, and so reputatiously alarming, that there is little you can say to disagree.

I think porn is like this. As I have admitted earlier in this post, I have seen thousands of images of porn. And I agree with Steven that, in the end, they are all the same. Really porn is just the allure of the interesting, but in actuality it is pretty dull and only alludes to the truly interesting, a healthy, fun, erotic, monogamous relationship with the same person for many, many years.

The question is going to be, am I going to be like Steven in continuing to feel akward and alone, or am I going to strive to live my life in full realization and trust that the God who created sex, knows how best to "do it" and surrender my life to Him.

Still to come:
Sat - What God has to say and steps to avoid using porn

P.S. I included the date of this post back in the August "week" so that when people read it in the archive, they won't notice there was 3-month gap between posts (until they read this of course).

P.P.S. For more incredible observations from Chuck Klosterman, and my theological insight related to it, click here

Also, If you haven't read all the posts on pornography, you need to start at the beginning or else you won't get the full understanding of where I am coming from with this post. Click here

If you ask a pastor to tell you what is wrong with pornography but on the condition that he cannot refer to scripture, 99.9% of the time this is what comes out next: “Pornography is wrong because it destroys relationships.” I usually follow up with this question: “yeah, but what if it doesn’t. What if someone’s partner is cool with it.” The pastor responds, “I wouldn’t believe her.” Here’s my problem: I have had this conversations with people and when they tell me this, I do believe them. But I am still not ready to concede that porn is ok, even for these people, so I am compelled to dive further to find the real reason porn is wrong in all situations.

Before I go any further I should say this. There are people out there (mostly women) with certain insecurity issues that would say they are “cool with it,” but deep inside not be. One might even be able to say the majority of the people who do say they don’t mind their partner looking at porn qualify for this group. But that still does not negate the potential scenario, nor answer the question why porn is wrong. But I digress.

The other week, the Atlanta-based porn producer Mike South contacted the show. In dialogue with him, he revealed the fact he has had many relationships with people “not in the industry” and they have been cool with his profession and his personal use of pornography. In addition to that, I have a friend, lets call her Linda (no its not my mom), who knows her boyfriend looks at porn, and she too is cool with that. She isn’t insecure about it. She knows she can still please her man, and that her man is very pleased with her (I am not condoning their extra-marital relationship, but it is what it is).

Here’s my problem. Take for example this scenario. I go on a date with my (*cough* non-existent) girlfriend. We go to a movie with Jennifer Anniston in it. We walk out the movie and somehow Jennifer’s attractiveness gets brought up. I then proceed to make the comment, “yeah, Jennifer is hot.” Now about 20% of my past girlfriends would probably have a problem with this statement. But 80% would not. They aren’t threatened by my observations towards Jen. They don’t associate my observations about Jen to mean that I don’t think they are hot. It just is what it is. This is the reason that I actually do believe some when they tell me that it isn’t a big deal if their partner participates with pornography. We all have an ability to internally decide what we are or are not threatened by.

But I still will not say it is right, and here is why. I am not someone who says sex has to 100% of the time be selfless, even though I know there are those out there that think that is the definition of healthy sexuality. I just don’t see how that works. But, sex, like all things in a relationship are about give and take. Sometimes you give more than you take, and other times you take more than you give. The heart of pornography is using it to achieve sexual satisfaction where you are always the one taking. This sets a pattern in one’s life that establishes subconsciously that sex is all about them. Now, this may or may not have consequences in the bedroom. But lets for example say it doesn’t. Lets say for example it actually heightens the bedroom experience (as some claim). The problem I see is that it still robs a relationship of a true partnership in the bedroom. It robs it of its eroticism. It robs it of its fun. It robs it of its struggle. It robs the full experience.

In the end, I don’t think porn is wrong because it destroys relationships, but rather I think porn is wrong because it prevents relationships to be lived to the fullest. This is subtle, but important. Jesus said, “life is to be lived to the fullest,” and Steve Gerali says, “since the brain is the primary sex organ, sex must be learned.” Take celebrities for a second. Better yet, take crazy rich kids who are heirs to huge amounts of money. Better yet, take Paris Hilton. She lives a life in a constant state of highness (both with or with out drugs). Her whole life is centered around attaining the most popularity, the most prestige, the most influence and constantly experiencing the most pleasure. The sad truth of the matter is that her attempts to attain only the positive enable her to miss huge amounts of life that are truly valuable: the low points.

None of us like these points. And many of us would think that our lives would not be destroyed if we never had them again (just as I don’t think porn by default destroys relationships). But I guarantee Paris is missing out on parts of life that are truly valuable, and those engaged with pornography are also missing out on parts of sexuality that are truly valuable. Why? Because they are cheating the communal, learning experience sex should be with one’s partner. Even those that use “porn together” to learn stuff are still cheating the experience. It is like cheating on a test in class. If you copy someone’s answers, sure you might get the grade you want, you may even be able to commit that information into long term memory, but the journey, the thrill of learning is bypassed and cheated.

For me, I want my sexual relationship (whenever that comes) to be full, and not tainted. I want the highs, I want the lows, and I want the in-between, and nothing should get in the way of that.

Fri: What God Has To Say
Sat: Methods That Help

Also, If you haven't read all the posts on pornography, you need to start at the beginning or else you won't get the full understanding of where I am coming from with this post. Click here

The rise in pornography use over the past 15 years is attributed to one thing: the internet. But to blame the internet for this rise is really quite ridiculous. Why? Because the internet doesn't force anyone to do anything. First the blame should first reside with those of us who "demand it." But to just leave it there doesn't make much sense either because people haven't really changed, so why has the demand increased? Because of what the internet allows for us to do, and what the internet allows for porn producers to provide.

Before I continue I should say that what I am about to type are not justifications for using pornography. They are reasons internet porn has increased the usage by everyday Americans...Americans that 30 years ago would not have thought of buying a Playboy. The reasons are very male centered. I wish I would write from a female perspective (especially with the stats that show massive increase in female usage), but I can't. So alas, I am just going to write about what I know - maybe for the first time. But I digress.

The way I see it there are four reasons porn is better than sex.

1.) It requires no commitment whatsoever, and on the surface appears to have no baggage. You can access it when you want. If you are too tired, that's cool, you don't have to do it. Your "partner" in this excursion is never "too" tired. She is always ready and available. When your done: she doesn't want to talk, she doesn't want to snuggle, she doesn't want anything. You just turn her off and go about doing (usually sleep) whatever it is that you want to do. There are no phone calls in the morning. There is no expectation of life change. It is all about attaining pleasure and moving on - there's nothing to commit to.

2.) It's super easy to find, which means it takes no effort to attain. There are no awkward pick-up lines. There are no "am I looking" outside my league type of feelings. For those that believe in sexual purity before marriage, there is no long (did I say long...) wait until pleasure can be attained. (Usually) No one even knows you are doing it, so it is private! In a matter of seconds I can have any girl, scenario, act, etc...it's super easy.

3.) It's anything and everything you could ever want, how you want it, when you want it, and often with illogical ability to have "different stuff" at different times. This is where it gets crazy. Internet porn allows for any of your wildest fantasies to come true...and beyond that, often times more than one of your fantasies to come true at the same time (which is totally illogical). If I want to be sleeping with a cheerleader, while receiving a blow-job from some sorority girl, while eating-out some girl you have seen at work, while having pool sex, that is all logically possible inside the brilliant imagination of the human mind - while just logistically impossible in reality. Porn images heighten this experience.

4.) Internet porn is typically average looking woman. I think this is the most profound point and I stole this from Chuck Klosterman and I left my book at home so I can't quote him. BUT...Playboy were always these GORGEOUS women (ones most of us would never come in contact with on a daily basis) in strange, exotic situations (which we wouldn't visit). Internet porn changed all this. It took (usually) attractive, but not gorgeous women (ones we see everyday) and put them in situations that we are in everyday. If you have a girl at the office you fantasize about, you can probably find something similar to her on the web. If there is a girl in a class you like, there is something on the web you can find that looks like her and puts her in a situation you would find her in. I think ultimately this leads to the subconscious reason porn is wrong (which we'll get to on Friday), but for now we should recognize that because of its normalcy, porn attracts normal people.

None of these reasons justify the usage of pornography. All of them are built under the false pretense that sex should be about me attaining maximum pleasure at any cost, and with no regard to my partner. There is nothing wrong with sex being pleasurable. But just like eating (remember the cheeseburger) cannot solely be understood as attaining pleasure at all costs, so too, healthy sexuality must recognize that there are limits (and consequences) when looking outside the boundaries of sex's design to attain pleasure. We'll get more into why this is later, but first we need to understand that porn's growth is due to its overall normalcy.

Upcoming:
Thus: What If My Partner Doesn't Care
Fri: What God Has To Say
Sat: Methods That Help

Porn is nothing new, but since the advent of the internet, it seems to have built huge momentum. For the rest of the week, we are going to look at pornography from all angles, including some many of you probably have never considered.

I should make a serious digression point here. I am stating for the record that I am a hypocrite when it comes to this issue. As you will see over the course of the week, I will take a very strong moral stance on pornography. However, I struggle very hard with this issue. In the past 15 months I have viewed pornography 7 times. Now some of you (probably women) think that is a disgusting amount. Others of you (probably men) think that I am bragging that I have only done it 7 times. The truth is probably somewhere in between. But all of what I am about to say should be with the understanding that I too struggle with this issue. I know I have done wrong, but that still doesn't change the absolute truth of this issue. C.S. Lewis says "you can't judge a coat by the person who wears it," and I am saying, "that you can't judge an issue by the person who practices it." But I digress.

I came across a study recently that says 50% of Christian men and 20% of Christian women use porn (that number is actually 34% according to another study). When all women are considered this number jumps to 53% (and believe it or not I could not find a statistic on the percentage of men viewing porn, probably because it is 99%). 25% of all internet searches are for porn. 77% of online visitors to adult content sites are male. Their average age is 41 and they have an annual income of $60,000. 46% are married.

Now I am going to tell you something that I don't think anyone will ever say. It may mean I am wrong - however, I think until we honestly face up to the issue we are never going to be able to deal with it, so it needs to be said. I think the reason porn is such a strong factor in our society is because for many it is better than sex. I know, most of you want to ring my neck for saying that. And given the fact that I am still ("technically") a virgin, should be all the more reason to believe I don't know what I am talking about, right? But before you discount me, maybe we should be asking the question why are otherwise perfect marriages wrecked by porn usage? Why are men and women literally throwing away their lives, their families, their relationships for this. So maybe, just maybe, for the next five days, give me the benefit of the doubt. If you think I am wrong, that's cool, but for five days just go along with it.

I will defend that stance more tomorrow (but this blog is getting seriously long). I will say this before I end this post, just because something may be better doesn't mean it is necessarily good for you (or society). Think of the ultimate cheeseburger. This is no McDonalds cheeseburger. This is no cheeseburger you have ever had in your life. This cheeseburger is so fatty, so delicious, so unbelievably life changing that the instant you finish digesting this cheeseburger you will certainly die of a heart attack. The reason: because you took eating outside the boundaries the heart was designed to handle. Now for those first 10 minutes it was probably the best thing that you have ever had, but that doesn't mean it was the best thing for you, nor does it mean the mass consumption of these cheeseburgers by society would be good for culture. That is the way I am going to approach porn for the next five days: it is the ultimate cheeseburger that will kill you.

Upcoming:
Wed: Reasons For Porn's Growth
Thus: What If My Partner Doesn't Care
Fri: What God Has To Say
Sat: Methods That Help

References:
Puremorality.org
Christianpost.com

Trueu.org

Blazinggrace.org

In 2004, Angelina Jolie was named the sexiest woman alive by Esquire magazine. At the time, I thought, “that's an odd pick.” Don't get me wrong. Angelina is attractive and hot and all, but honestly, the sexiest. I can think of others who in my opinion are sexier. However, I have to say, after watching her interview on Anderson Cooper 360° last night, the picture to the left has to be the sexiest picture of her I have ever seen, and quite possibly the sexiest picture of anyone I have ever seen.

Now I should state that I am a sucker for simplicity. Take college for example. The sexiest part of college, in my mind, were all the girls roaming around in their pajamas. This is not to say that I don't appreciate well dressed occasions, however, I usually find "cute" sexier than "hot" and "simplicity" sexier than "done-up." So this statement about Angelina isn’t just a “noble” relation of good works equaling sexiness (I am not that good of a Christian). I actually do find this picture above to be sexy. But I digress.

To see someone so attractive and wealthy, with literally endless possibilities in ways to spend that money and fame, choose to make poverty an issues closest to her heart is inspiring. When all of her other celebrity cohorts are spending their money on Botox and plastic surgery so they can be the scoop of Esquire's pointless designations or E!'s countless "sexiest people countdowns," Angelina has taken her sexiness and turned it into one of the most noble works on the planet: taking care of the poor, especially children.

I have to say the coolest thing about Angelina is that she both talks the talk and walks the walk - which is rare in Hollywood (and the world). She is as loud as anyone out there about poverty. But she also gives up 1/3 of her income, adopted two children, and travels to countless countries all in the name of poverty. Having both of those elements makes me respect Angelina more than just about any celebrity or well-known political figure in the entire world.

So Esquire, you got it wrong this year by naming Jessica Biel the new sexiest woman alive. That title still goes to Angelina, and this picture is the proof.

This past weekend, I actually freed a couple of hours to do one of my favorite things: sit at the pool. It has all the great elements. Outside, yet not strenuous. Stress-free. And most importantly, usually involves a bunch of friends sitting around talking.

This weekend, myself and four girl-friends (yes, I am always outnumbered and it isn't as "cool" as it sounds, but I digress) of mine were out there. Like Stephen Colbert, I don't like to read. Why would you want to ruin a perfectly good day at the pool by "boring-it-up" by reading. But nevertheless, my friends sure do. So they brought books, magazines, etc...

One magazine in particular was People. This week it featured (among others) Matthew McConaughey, who, these particular group of girls have quite the crush on. As they passed along the magazine, comments began to fly out of their mouths, "ohh check out this picture," to which the response back would be, "ohh just wait, it gets better."

Now it is at this point that I had to speak up. But I should add this disclaimer, I am not a jealous person, nor do I look to Matthew as what I aspire to be as a man. So my line of questioning that followed was purely inquisitive in nature not stemming from any insecurity. Nevertheless, it was now that I piped up and asked, "if the roles were reversed and I were sitting here with a Maxim talking to my guy-friends, would you think that is appropriate?" The immediate response was, "no, because these guys have their cloths on." To which I responded, "why does that matter?"

And here is my point. Men and women (usually) are wired differently. What stimulates my desire for a woman/relationship is different than what stimulates a woman's desire for a man/relationship. Needless to say, all these magazines, whether cloths are on or not, exploit the wirings of men/women to create a false sense of expectation for a relationship. To which I say, I personally am not threatened by my friends lust over these magazine-men. However, all women need to look in the mirror and recognize their "appreciation" of these men and the sensitive facts of their lives shared in the magazines is the same thing as men's "lust" over the Maxim-women. To say otherwise is hypocrisy, whether by the pool or not.

P.S. I should add that most of what I have said above was said to them in person, and this is not some attempt to take a cheap shot at them. In addition to that, all four of these girls are quality girls, of which, despite their momentary lapse of hypocrisy, I can say with the utmost confidence that this world would be a much better place if all woman lived up to the same standards as these four amazing women.