Andy's Blog

Also, If you haven't read all the posts on pornography, you need to start at the beginning or else you won't get the full understanding of where I am coming from with this post. Click here

If you ask a pastor to tell you what is wrong with pornography but on the condition that he cannot refer to scripture, 99.9% of the time this is what comes out next: “Pornography is wrong because it destroys relationships.” I usually follow up with this question: “yeah, but what if it doesn’t. What if someone’s partner is cool with it.” The pastor responds, “I wouldn’t believe her.” Here’s my problem: I have had this conversations with people and when they tell me this, I do believe them. But I am still not ready to concede that porn is ok, even for these people, so I am compelled to dive further to find the real reason porn is wrong in all situations.

Before I go any further I should say this. There are people out there (mostly women) with certain insecurity issues that would say they are “cool with it,” but deep inside not be. One might even be able to say the majority of the people who do say they don’t mind their partner looking at porn qualify for this group. But that still does not negate the potential scenario, nor answer the question why porn is wrong. But I digress.

The other week, the Atlanta-based porn producer Mike South contacted the show. In dialogue with him, he revealed the fact he has had many relationships with people “not in the industry” and they have been cool with his profession and his personal use of pornography. In addition to that, I have a friend, lets call her Linda (no its not my mom), who knows her boyfriend looks at porn, and she too is cool with that. She isn’t insecure about it. She knows she can still please her man, and that her man is very pleased with her (I am not condoning their extra-marital relationship, but it is what it is).

Here’s my problem. Take for example this scenario. I go on a date with my (*cough* non-existent) girlfriend. We go to a movie with Jennifer Anniston in it. We walk out the movie and somehow Jennifer’s attractiveness gets brought up. I then proceed to make the comment, “yeah, Jennifer is hot.” Now about 20% of my past girlfriends would probably have a problem with this statement. But 80% would not. They aren’t threatened by my observations towards Jen. They don’t associate my observations about Jen to mean that I don’t think they are hot. It just is what it is. This is the reason that I actually do believe some when they tell me that it isn’t a big deal if their partner participates with pornography. We all have an ability to internally decide what we are or are not threatened by.

But I still will not say it is right, and here is why. I am not someone who says sex has to 100% of the time be selfless, even though I know there are those out there that think that is the definition of healthy sexuality. I just don’t see how that works. But, sex, like all things in a relationship are about give and take. Sometimes you give more than you take, and other times you take more than you give. The heart of pornography is using it to achieve sexual satisfaction where you are always the one taking. This sets a pattern in one’s life that establishes subconsciously that sex is all about them. Now, this may or may not have consequences in the bedroom. But lets for example say it doesn’t. Lets say for example it actually heightens the bedroom experience (as some claim). The problem I see is that it still robs a relationship of a true partnership in the bedroom. It robs it of its eroticism. It robs it of its fun. It robs it of its struggle. It robs the full experience.

In the end, I don’t think porn is wrong because it destroys relationships, but rather I think porn is wrong because it prevents relationships to be lived to the fullest. This is subtle, but important. Jesus said, “life is to be lived to the fullest,” and Steve Gerali says, “since the brain is the primary sex organ, sex must be learned.” Take celebrities for a second. Better yet, take crazy rich kids who are heirs to huge amounts of money. Better yet, take Paris Hilton. She lives a life in a constant state of highness (both with or with out drugs). Her whole life is centered around attaining the most popularity, the most prestige, the most influence and constantly experiencing the most pleasure. The sad truth of the matter is that her attempts to attain only the positive enable her to miss huge amounts of life that are truly valuable: the low points.

None of us like these points. And many of us would think that our lives would not be destroyed if we never had them again (just as I don’t think porn by default destroys relationships). But I guarantee Paris is missing out on parts of life that are truly valuable, and those engaged with pornography are also missing out on parts of sexuality that are truly valuable. Why? Because they are cheating the communal, learning experience sex should be with one’s partner. Even those that use “porn together” to learn stuff are still cheating the experience. It is like cheating on a test in class. If you copy someone’s answers, sure you might get the grade you want, you may even be able to commit that information into long term memory, but the journey, the thrill of learning is bypassed and cheated.

For me, I want my sexual relationship (whenever that comes) to be full, and not tainted. I want the highs, I want the lows, and I want the in-between, and nothing should get in the way of that.

Fri: What God Has To Say
Sat: Methods That Help