Allen Hunt's Blog

What a great show we had last Sunday. I particularly liked the hour on mothers. I do not think we can ever really repay our mothers. Then again, not sure that they would want us to. And that may be the point.

But I asked you to call with the most meaningful ways to try to repay our mothers. And you had some excellent ideas. So I share a few of those as a way to remind you to live into Mother's Day well this week.

To make your mother's day more meaningful, here are my three favorite caller quotes from the show. I think they are useful and hope you will too.

"I did not realize how much work it was to be a mother until I became a mother...one night at 1am when I was exhausted from taking care of my kids, I sat down and wrote her a 5-page letter thanking her for all she had done...and to this day she carries it in her purse everywhere."
-Kat

"Most mothers spend most of their time investing in their children...the best way to show you appreciate them is to live in a way so that they know they didn't spend all that time in vain."
-Steve

"Don't forget she changed your diapers. Go and do whatever you can for her."
-Wanda

On Sunday, I shared the Wife's Bill of Rights, a list originally penned by Jill Adler. However, it has some gaffes and gaps. So my wife and I, and some of Sunday's callers are making some changes below.

Thus, here are the 10 amendments in the Wife's Bill of Rights (New and Improved):

Jill Adler with Help from the Allen Hunt Show team and listeners

Preamble:
We, the wives of America, love being married to the husbands of America. We know we have our faults, but with our ever-morphing roles these days, there's a lot of pressure on us to be superhuman. We care for our families, manage the home, keep ourselves attractive, and even bring home our shares of the bacon. We know we sometimes lash out, but we really do want to "live happily ever after" with you. Our mutual acknowledgement of these amendments can go a long way toward achieving that.

Amendment I
We have the right to dislike your buddies.
We know it's important for you to have your guy friends, but you should know by now that we're not turned on by your stories of the good old days at college, your sexual exploits, or which relief pitcher the Red Sox should trade. Disappear for a while and be boys—it's OK, go chug beer and high-five—but please don't expect us to be happy when your friends come over and put their feet on our coffee tables or leave their beer cans on the floor.

Amendment II
We have the right to experience PMS in all its glory.
Either give us our space or accept the consequences. We know it's unfair, but some of us just can't rein it in. You knew that before you married us. We may shout, cry, belittle, act irrationally. It lasts a few days each month, so please deal with it. Or even better: Bring home dinner, clear the dishes, and give us a big hug. Best of all, just give us chocolate and leave us alone.

Amendment III
We have the right to demand you finish a household job.
We're not your mothers, and we loathe having to act like them. If you wash the dishes, do them all and clean the sink, too. Don't just bag the trash, take it outside to the bin. If you start a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and fold it too. We don't like nagging any more than you like hearing it. You do have the right to have a friend sub for you as handy man. Just get it fixed!

Amendment IV
We have the right to affirming words. "Please." "Thank you." "I love you." "I appreciate you." You get the picture. We love you and need to HEAR that you care about us.

Amendment V
We have the right to keep our secrets.
Not marriage-ending ones, just small secrets we choose to hide from others. If we don't want to speak our age or share our true hair color or reveal the cheesy TV shows we watch in private, it's not your place to reveal them to our friends, your business partners, or your ex-girlfriends/wives. We're not asking you to lie for us, but we would appreciate your discretion.

Amendment VI
We have the right to a partner in raising children. Parenting is not an individual sport. You play a role here too, a role beyond conception. Playing with the kids, teaching them to read, coaching their teams. You are needed and we need some help.

Amendment VII
We have the right to keep and bear tons of girly bathroom products.
You have your tools; so do we. These items are expensive and to be used sparingly. It brings no joy to see our $15 bath bar shrunk down to the size of a quarter after two passes on your chest and legs.

Amendment VIII
We have the right to speak to our girlfriends every day.
About whatever we want, whenever we want. Please don't eavesdrop or criticize. We know you're not that interested in gossip or psycho-analytical interpretations of why some people do what they do, so we turn to our like-minded female friends for instant gratification. Yes, we do talk about you—a lot. It helps us work through issues. This keeps us happy, sane and, usually, off your case.

Amendment IX
We have the right to some time alone. We work hard too, whether we are stay at home moms or working moms. Laundry never ends, kids are always with us. Find creative ways to give us 15 or 30 minutes every now and then to sit with a cup of tea or to take an uninterrupted bubble bath. We are not asking for much - just a little time to ourselves now and then.

Amendment X
We have the right to foreplay.
A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling—these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Please don't reach for our crotch or breasts and expect us to melt into a porn kitten. It didn't work when we met, it most certainly doesn't work now. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of Texas that needs squeezing and cherishing. We appreciate you more when you think about how it feels to us rather than how it feels to you. And, as a very frustrated Frances in Oklahoma said, "remember, sex is a two way street."

So much response from last night's show (if you missed it, listen to it in the archive/podcast/MP3 here on the site), that I am posting the 7 questions every couple should ask and discuss before getting married.

Do you like to save MONEY?

How much HOUSEWORK do you want to do?

Describe the kind of SEX life you hope for?

Who will be our FRIENDS and social network after we are married?

Tell me about your family and what kind of IN-LAWS you think they will be?

How many KIDS do you hope to have and how much time do you want to spend with them?

Share your FAITH with me

Last night's show was really fun. A good hour on my dad and Christmas, a fun hour on pastors and confidentiality, and sandwiched in between was an entertaining discussion about swingers and the sex club Jack Trulock runs at his house in Duncanville, Texas. A place where folks come to play Naked Twister every weekend.

I simply do not see how the swinging lifestyle can make a marriage stronger. It weakens the intimacy and trust in a relationship and causes a breakdown of the emotional and sexual bond that God brings about. However, one listener disagreed, and I simply had to share an excerpt from her email. No names - just content:

I LOVE listening to your show and consider myself to be a very spiritual person and a Christian. However, I've noticed that you DO enjoy the topic of swinging and open marriages for many of your shows. I understand why, as a minister, you do not condone it. However, the case in Duncanville, TX really upsets me because the neighbors are trying to shut down the naked twister guy because of the activities in his private home.

If he had cars parking on that street on Friday and Saturday nights because everyone was coming over to his home to study the Bible or the Q'uran, or to watch football games on TV, I'm willing to bet that the neighbors wouldn't say a word about it. They are just bothered because they do not agree with what is happening there and so they are getting the government involved. I think this is a dangerous path to eroding our freedom and rights as private citizens of the United States of America. Whoever goes to those parties is going there willingly and can participate as much or as little as they choose (I know because I go!). They are not having sex on the front lawn (or the back lawn either, I presume!) which would violate public indecency laws. They are in a basement where I'm sure they can not be seen through a window by any curious neighbors. Whose rights are being violated and why should the neighbors care? What right does the local government have to say they can not have a party? If that guy wanted to throw a party every night of the week...who cares? I saw info about this on Fox News and they said that now the cars are being parked at a remote location and they have a shuttle bus to take party goers from the house to their cars. There is no price of admission. People contribute $$ and/or bring their own liquor so it's not a business.

By the way...I am one of those people who is happily married for 10+ years and we have been in the lifestyle since we were dating. We have some extraordinary friends and have met the most amazing people all over the world. The lifestyle is full of very successful, well-educated, entrepreneurial, independent people (as you know). Everyone I have encountered is happy and well-adjusted (okay - there are a few exceptions to that one!). They are beautiful people inside and out! I felt terrible hearing Polly's story on the air. I don't think I've ever heard of or seen anyone in that type of abusive/controlling relationship. I was previously married to an abuser (we were not swingers) and know the fear, anger, guilt and sadness of those relationships can be overwhelming.

I know swinging is not 'mainstream' and it's definitely not for everyone or every couple. We don't try to recruit anyone. But we also don't want to be outlaws for our private activities. I understand that it's fun and titillating radio to talk about us. Have fun! We sure are!

Thank you and Merry Christmas!

The emails have started arriving. Oprah's show this week on sex and "open marriages" really lit a fire for folks.

Holly and Greg shared their view of marriage - it need not be exclusive or "closed." Holly has begun having a sexual relationship with one of their close family friends (very close I suppose). Greg is OK with that and is in the market for a little external stimulation himself. He feels good that Holly has "that much more love in her life."

No, it is not love; it is lust. There is a difference. And indulging lust outside the marriage is a death knell for the marriage itself. Sadly, my wager is that Greg and Holly will not be together five years from now. Their openness will lead to their demise as a couple. Love does not grow on a foundation of lust.

Marriage is at its best when 2 become 1: physically, emotionally, and sexually. Whole, healthy marriages do not introduce outside persons into the intimacy of the relationship - whether emotionally or sexually. A good marriage is a thing of beauty and a gift from God. A crumbling marriage is painful to watch.

I will pray, not praise, for Greg and Holly.